I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
