Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
