I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
