Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
