i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
