i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
