Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
