His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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