If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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