Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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