Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Rumble strips road head = magical
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
