Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
