Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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