I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
