walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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