I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
