Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
