There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
