Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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