Pappa wants mamma naked
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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