So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
