he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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