Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
