Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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