your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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