she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
