if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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