Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
