I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
