And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
