I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
