She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
