I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
