Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
