Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
