I can text with my tongue
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Randomize
