Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
