The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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