so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
