Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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