Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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