I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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