What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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