I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
