Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
