I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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