i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize