I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
