just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
