im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
