i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
