dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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