maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
