the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
