I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
