matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
